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Fred's Blog

Staying In The Moment


Itís quite natural for positive, confident people to project future success for their relationships. Itís also natural for negative, insecure types to project future failure.

What do these two stereotypical types have in common? They both have no idea what will really take place!

Yes, Iím sure many psychologists will attest that positive thinking tends to help future situations, and negative thinking may hinder them. I offer no argument with these conclusions. But, most relationships sink or fail primarily through the sharing of multiple experiences over time, and rarely, if ever, will any preconceived notion have any validity. There just are no short cuts, and too many variables. There are no crystal balls, either. And, for the most part, most of us donít possess highly accurate instinctive insights when it comes to determining successful relationships in advance. We have to do it the hard way. We have to get into the game, come to bat, and give it our best shot.

I know so many people however, myself included, who want to know answers before their time. Because so many of us have felt pain from past relationships, we are hesitant to dive in and make ourselves very vulnerable again. So, we amass our qualification list, and before we may have even met someone, weíre making hard and fast decisions with very little information. Get to meet someone, perhaps over dinner, and we still might feel consumed with arriving at some conclusion before the appetizer has even been served. After so many years and a myriad of experiences, both good and bad, can any of us really fault someone for being so risk adverse?

Unfortunately, we do ourselves a terrible disservice by unreasonably and prematurely projecting how things might work out with someone. First of all, we miss the pleasant surprise of finding out that someone might actually exceed our expectations. Or, we discover new and hidden wonderful things about someone that we would never have learned in our first meetings. Reasonably, some people just need more time, confidence and a bit of trust before they reveal themselves. And, thatís the rub. Because if we draw permanent conclusions about someone too early, we just might not be around long enough to find out how perfect someone might ultimately be for us.

So, every time I find myself succumbing to a bit of anxiety, trepidation, or just downright plain insecurity, I try to stop the steamrolling mind blowing process of getting ahead of myself. Itís not always easy, because none of us truly likes the feeling that we are in limbo. We want to know what we have and label it for posterity. I feel like I need a mental anti-acid. I need to neutralize my projections (usually negative) until I have sufficient experiences (proof), that I know whom Iím dealing with. I need to stay in the moment absorbing each experience in real time so that I can react spontaneously and naturallyÖ..so that I can make the right decision about someone!

Dating has never been harder. At this stage of life there are countless ways and reasons why a relationship may never pan out. We donít have to add to the difficulty by giving in to our desire to have our answers on demand. We need to be honest, open, sincere and forthright, and hope that our ďnew friendĒ will do the same. There will be plenty of time for us to learn the truth about a relationship if we let it breathe and evolve.

|  Posted on: 2011-09-28 03:15:20  |  0 Comments  

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